Part Heavy Metal, part Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, and all KICKASS.
Creative Staff
Author: Tom Lucas
What They Say
Intergalactic kidnappers have taken the son of a simple construction worker, demanding that he enter the greatest fighting tournament in the universe, the SkullCrushFest, and murder every one of his opponents. They picked the wrong guy to mess with. Titanus might not be a natural fighter, but he’s got the greatest gladiator coach in the games and a not-so-secret weapon—his alien ability to increase any body part in size or length. Also, it doesn’t hurt that he’s ten feet tall, has four arms, and two massive war hammers. Are you ready to crush some skulls? Are you ready to bash and crash?
Content: (please note that content portions of a review may contain spoilers):
Reviewer’s note: before I get into the review, it’s important that I make it clear that Tom Lucas is a coworker and a friend. Naturally, this might make my review somewhat circumspect, but I take pride in being honest in my writing and giving my straight-up opinion. Simply put, I would have liked this book even if I hadn’t known the author.
So are we cool? Good. Let’s get on to the skull crushing!
There’s a line from A Christmas Story that pretty well sums up Tom Lucas’ style in Pax Titanus: “He worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master.” And make no mistake: this is a story full of huge, erupting cocks; skull crushing; and other general bodily humor. Now I’m not a huge fan of this type of humor, but it works in this case for two reasons: 1) it’s de riguer for the Bizarro Fiction genre, and 2) Tom grounds everything within a solid, emotional story that serves as Pax Titanus’ core.
Before going into the plot, it’s important to define our terms, and for that, I’m going to turn to the source—Bizzarrocentral.com, which defines the genre as:
1. Bizarro, simply put, is the genre of the weird.
2. Bizarro is literature’s equivalent to the cult section at the video store.
3. Like cult movies, Bizarro is sometimes surreal, sometimes avant-garde, sometimes goofy, sometimes bloody, sometimes borderline pornographic, and almost always completely out there.
4. Bizarro strives not only to be strange, but fascinating, thought-provoking, and, above all, fun to read.
5. Bizarro often contains a certain cartoon logic that, when applied to the real world, creates an unstable universe where the bizarre becomes the norm and absurdities are made flesh.
6. Bizarro was created by a group of small press publishers in response to the increasing demand for (good) weird fiction and the increasing number of authors who specialize in it.
7. Bizarro is like:
o Franz Kafka meets John Waters
o Dr. Suess of the post-apocalypse
o Takashi Miike meets William S. Burroughs
o Alice in Wonderland for adults
o Japanese animation directed by David Lynch
It’s like Grindhouse cinema in prose form, which means that it’s more open to—hell, it practically demands—sex, violence, dick and fart jokes, and everything else that more highbrow genres eschew—making it a genre that you probably either love or hate.
In fact, I wasn’t sure if I would like it. As much as I love Grindhouse and experimental fiction, I was afraid that reading Bizarro Fiction would be like watching modern Cartoon Network cartoons: a confusing interstitial of random images and events with no narrative logic, plot progression, or character arc—essentially randomness for the sake of randomness with a lot of bodily humor. Now I haven’t read enough Bizarro Fiction to say decisively if my fears were unwarranted, but I can say that they were for Pax Titanus, because it’s a solid story with a strong emotional center.
Titanus is a Veritassian, “a race known for their inability to state anything but the truth” and their ability to increase any part of their body at will. Titanus works as a construction worker with his best friend, Craxx, who is a Delbian. Delbians are “curious creatures who are compelled to say exactly what they are thinking, even when it isn’t relevant to the conversation at hand.” The book begins with the two of them working on an atomic elevator. Unfortunately, something goes wrong, and it’s only because of Titanus’ size-altering ability that he’s able to save Craxx, himself, and the planet on which they were working. In this case the part of the body in question is his penis, which Craxx holds onto for dear life. However, Craxx has issues holding on because Titanus’ wife—a squid—secretes a type of moisturizer from her vagina which makes Titanus’ titanic member quite smooth. Not surprisingly, the rubbing has a very foreseeable side effect, and as the two land (right on top of a pop singer during a concert) Titanus ejaculates all over the crowd.
Because the concert was being filmed, Titanus becomes the star of the galactic Interwebs, bringing him to the attention of the Emperor, who demands that Titanus become the Citizen’s Champion and embark on a galactic speaking tour.
As is often the case, the Emperor is quite mad and evil, and Titanus’ new position as gladiator and Citizen’s Champion puts him square in the sights of rebels who wish to overthrow the government. They kidnap Titanus’ son and force him to enter SkullCrushFest, which I imagine is pretty self-explanatory. Many of the combatants in the Fest are enemies of the rebellion, and they want Titanus to kill them all. Titanus, having no choice, says “Let’s boogie” and heads off to Gladiator School.
And that’s just the first third or so of the book! Pax Titanus clocks in at 106 pages and it never wastes words. The plot is tight, and the book is packed with strange and hilarious references to various science fiction and fantasy stories. It also plays with the genre as well. There are two color commentators for the Fest, and they often hawk various products such as Auntie Nuke’s Quantum Pastas, which is “so delicious, and the food is immediately transported to one of your duplicates in an alternate timeline, so you never get fat and you can eat as much as you want!” I actually suspect this is a real product somewhere out there in the multiverse and some jerk Josh is out there making me fat. But I’m digressing.
Pax Titanus is big and bold and crazy, making it incredibly fun to read, but what makes this a worthwhile story is the love that Titanus has for his wife and son. It forms the frame that every other part of the story is built around and it adds emotional weight and poignancy to what is a pretty weird and far out book. One scene in particular stands out for me—Titanus’ last night with his wife before heading off to his final battle. Despite the fact that he’s a giant, four-armed alien and she’s an anti-gravity squid who communicates only through bodily secretions, their final night together is touching and romantic—if perhaps a bit messy.
In Summary
If Tom Lucas’ book is typical of Bizarro Fiction, then I’m going to have to read more titles in the genre. It’s big and bold and crude, but it’s also a touching story about a man fighting for his family. The emotion is genuine in this book, and it provides an anchor that makes the weird work. The book certainly won’t be everyone’s cup of tea, but if you’re feeling adventurous then definitely give it a shot. I guarantee you’ve never read anything quite like it.
Content Grade: A
Released By: Eraserhead Press
Release Date: October 20th, 2014
MSRP: $9.95 (print) $4.95 (Kindle)
